Week 9: Down To The Wire

Week 9 is in the books and brings us to the home stretch of the regular season with just weeks remaining. And on both ends of the table it looks like you bastards are gonna take us right to the wire. It seems we have 2 teams on each end of the table that have cemented their places, Josh is all but mathematically eliminated from the playoffs and Haskins seems to be locked in the playoffs. But everyone else has a chance to move all around. None of the games were barn-burners, with the possible exception of Dan and I’s game, but we had some good story lines come out of the games and build up to what is going to quite the Rivalry Week. But before we move into week 10 lets get to this weeks games.

Connor: 132.54 – Dan: 111.46

I got a text last night from Dan telling me I “Didnt deserve to win this game.” Keep in mind that was only during the 1st quarter of what was Andrew Luck once again doing what ever he wants. I just imagine him walking into Metlife Stadium saying “My name is Luck. And I’m here to fuck.” And proceed to fuck he did as he bent Dan over along with the Giants defense. Everytime he threw another touchdown I could just picture dan sitting at home like….5489

Now I do feel slightly bad for Dan. He is averaging 124 points scored on him each week while the league overall is only averaging 106 points scored per team. I am even leading the league in points scored and I only average 116 a week. Thor is just testing your will Dan. Persevere and maybe you will make the playoffs. But probbaly not. Enjoy playing for the shaft….It’s within your reach….All you have to do reach out your hand, give it a quick old fashion hand jibber…..and its all yours.


Schlecht: 148.94 – Montmich: 82.02

the dude dancing

Now this was a game that had a little bit of heat to it without even being close. It started with Schlecht calling out Montmich on his senior night and last regular season game of his soccer career. Only to find out that specifically because of how poorly Montmich played in the game that Whitewater will never be allowed to play in the NCAA tournament again. Something to do with the entire NCAA being so appalled that Whitewater would let someone as bad as Montmich onto the pitch that there was no way they could allow them into the tournament, no matter how many games they won. Or something like that, I gotta kinda bored of their little girl drama. Either way Montmich got his panties in a bunch and still got his ass kicked by Schlecht. Schlecht goes onto to win his 2nd game in a row and has won 4 of the last 6 to get into a tie for 6th place. If there was ever a better time for a Dude dancing gif for him, I cant think of it.


Tyler: 130.50 – Sko: 82.32


Sko thought this weeks game would be easy like stealing from a little girl. Little did Sko know that Tyler and the little Asian girl Steve keeps tied up in the basement are more similar than he thought. Because Tyler and the little Asian girl both beat the shit out of Sko all weekend and left him laying on the floor begging for it to stop. Tyler actually has had a very strange season. His team has the ability to win big, evidence by the 3 wins he has where he scored more than 130 in all of them. Yet all but one of his losses have come because he couldnt even put up 95 points. And this will be a rough week for Sko because not only did Tyler beat him down all weekend but I dont think Steve will be too pleased that Sko has now lost 2 in a row and is one game from dropping out of the playoff picture. Lets just all hope Steve doesnt sick that little Asian on him again, I heard she likes to use a double ended shaft of shame on Sko when she is done with him.


Haskins: 101.84 – Josh: 71.34

A game that didnt do much other than solidify each others places in the league. Haskins didnt have a great game but still broke the 100 point mark and had points to spare as Josh came back to his regular Josh self. All Zach has left to play for is keeping his first round bye and all Josh has to play for is….well….umm….god even Im apathetic about his team because I could not given any less fucks. Best of luck in the Shafting, Josh.


Noah: 133.26 – Jordan: 111.16

As in the beginning of the season, before I make fun of him, it now seems we owe another one of our league members a hearty congratulations. Congrats Jordan on proposing to Bethanee, even bigger congrats on her saying yes. Because I would have bet some BIG money she would have said no.

1233928590_citizen kane clapping



And thats enough praise for you because you let a curly haired little fuck run train on you this week. And it wasnt even me for once. Noah keeps pace with me and keeps us tied in 2nd place with this win while Jordan stays in 4th place but is only 1 game out of dropping into the Shafting. Even after Noah put up 130+ on him, Jordan still has the least points scored against him this year. But you have to wonder if this week is gonna the beginning of the end for Jordan if that luck is finally running out. Noah on the other hand, comes back strong from a loss last week to keep in the running for that all important 1st round bye.

And there it is. Week 9 is all over. We move on to Rivalry Week. Ohh the classic Rivalry Week. Where old wounds are opened back up, salt, cum and sweat poured into them and then sealed back up to fester until you can get revenege the next year in Rivalry Week. But this year its not just going to be the same old same old matchups. The Assassiatant the to Commish (Schlecht) and I have come up with some changes to make this week more interesting. So for the first time in league history we are instituting mid-season schedule changes. Yes just for this week we are gonna move the matchups around to get the best rivalries we can. So without further ado, here are your new matchups.

Schlecht Vs Montmich: A rematch of last weeks game, and a chance for Montmich to get some revenge on Schlecht for making last week such a personal loss. Can he actually man up and get a hard on for a chance to take it to Schlecht?

Noah Vs Connor: Number 2 vs Number 3! Both tied in the last spot for a bye! And a rivalary that has been brewing all year. After I snagged Josh Gordon and taunted Bularz about letting him go it seems Noah has had something up his ass about me. And now its time for him to really have something up his ass about me when I put my fist up there to shut him up for good.

Tyler Vs Dan: I couldnt help myself. Dan’s kryptonite and this will be their 3rd meeting of the season. Can Dan pull out the win and make us forget about those last 2 losses? Or will this loss be the one that finally knocks him out of the playoff race for good?

Zach Vs Zach: While this has not been a traditional rivarly it is a game that leaves me intrgiued. It is time we find out which Zach is the better Zach. And to make it really count I am putting the condition down that which ever Zach wins will get to tell me what to name the other Zach for the rest of the year.

Rage vs Rage: Another installment of the Rage Bowl and this year it will be the only game between the 2! With Josh stuck in last place and Jordan finally making a run into the playoffs this could easily be the only time these two play all season. Can Josh make his season mean something with at the very least a win in the infamous Rage Bowl? Or will Jordan continue his march into the playoffs?

Your welcome shitheads. You are welcome to send your Commissioner Appreciation Gifts to my apartment. Have a good Rivalry Week.


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