A week of blowouts. A week of teams just deciding to not show up, but not the teams you would expect. To those of you who got wins this, well done, you showed your superiority over the beta pussys that let you run train on them all weekend long. To those of you who look losses, I am proud of you for taking it like a man and not saying a word about it. Well all except Dan Weltzin. Dan Weltzin, who complained about the egg his team was laying, while missing out on the fact that his team only averages 97.5 points per game. Even if you scored 15% above your weekly average, you still would have lost. Even if your team took a little less of a shit and you DOUBLED your points, you would have still lost. How about those for some stats? But WAIT, you might say. What about Dan’s prowess at the waiver wire? Surely that must be helping him! He has 19 waiver claims already this year! What about those? Ohh those. Well he is second most in the league, behind me. So think about this Dan. I am in first place because of my waiver claims, while you couldn’t pick up shit if Pig decided to present you with one of his foul turds. You are getting beat at your own game by a guy who basically lets his cat decide which players to pick up because he is too drunk to use a mouse. Schlecht sent the precedent for first to worst, now you are going to perfect by going first to Shaft. Have fun with the Shaft when you win it. I’ve kept it nice and warm for you.
Noah: 117.34 – Dan: 57.42
I think this is as good of an example of Dan’s attempt as any. Didn’t even come close and Noah didn’t even have to do anything to get the win. It was another huge week for Noah, with his third big win in a row and his third 115+ points performance. Dan also continues his amazing streak of having opponents put crazy points up on him, he is averaging 125 points against this season. I really dont know what you did to piss Thor off so badly Dan, but you better hope that you can make it right real damn quick. Maybe a quick trip to Norway is in order? But you might want to pack more than just some jean shorts for the trip. Thor hates jean shorts.
Sko: 125.32 – Mike: 79.06
I was super surprised when I found this clip, I didnt know that Sko and Steve and gotten a reality show on Spike. But then the more I watched it, the more it made sense. Who wouldnt want to watch two men punch each other and then do terrible, terrible things to the others unconscious body. And it really is amazing that Sko can set a lineup all while getting knocked out, filming a show, pleasuring Steve whenever he wants, and have his 3rd 45+ point win in a row. Schlecht on the other hand celebrated his two game winning streak with a now two game losing streak. Well at least you had a good run, now back to the bottom of the pile with you, along with all the other shit sippers in the league this year. You and Josh should be getting pretty comfortable down there now, huh?
Haskins: 119.32 – Jordan: 92.40
This was the closet game of the week, and the only game that wasnt a 30+ point win. Zach got damn close at 26 points and Rage loses his top spot in the league and goes into a big cluster fuck of a tie for 1st. Rage finally had someone put up some real points on him and he paid the price. He tried and tried but all it really took was Brees and Murrary doing what they have done all year and that was the dick punch that really put the games away. I know it was pretty crazy for most of you bastards to see Jordan and I number 1 and 2 in the league, but Haskins at least tried his best to make things back right and send Jordan back down, a little closer to the shit hole he called home last year.
Josh: 128 – Tyler: 89.44
Josh was also in a game that ended with an almost 40 points beat down but, wait for it, he actually won. Josh Rageth. Won. A fantasy game. And he did it by almost 40 points. What the fuck, Tyler? Where were you? How is this even possible? You had the definition of a “gimmie”. You got 44 points from just your QB and 1 WR. And you could barely even manage another 44 from the rest of your players? Damn you Tyler. I was really hoping we were gonna see our first winless team. Josh had it in him. I know he did. I believed in him. And now you had to fuck it by with the whole gentle retard routine, giving away victories to the needy we really its you that needs all the help you can get.
Connor: 105.96 – Montmich: 75.66
Whos back in first place? Say it. WHOS IN FIRST PLACE!?
After a quick one week sabbatical, I take my rightful place back atop our standings. Montmich didnt even bother putting up a fight. Not like he ever really does this season. I cannot wait to see how quickly his team goes to hell when he stops getting the luckiest matchups on earth and teams keep scoring points on him. There is almost a 200 point difference between the number of points Dan has scored against compared to what Montmich has scored against. At the same time they are within 5 points scored yet two games separate them in the standings. But we are getting away from what really matters. With my victory I am back at number 1 in this league and this time its not changing, not even for a week.
Next week we get some more excellent matchups with Haskins playing Noah in a game that will determine who has at least a part of first place. Unfortuantly on the other end we have Schlecht playing Tyler in what will surely be one of the worst games of the season. We all know neither team is going to deserve to win that game but fuck at least it should help Pig figure out his power rankings a little bit. I also couldnt help but notice Mr. Tuesday Night Statman still has not gotten his stat line out yet. Put a tampon in and quit your crying Dan Weltzin and get us some stats.