It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the era of Rage, it was the era of Shame. No, I am not writing the next great novel (although I do have a couple of Twlight+50 Shades of Grey+Frankenstien+Toy Story novels I am currently writing.) I am writing about the amazing, impractical, and brain melting end to the season that leaves us with the headline that writes itself. Rage Top, Rage Bottom. And no, that is not the name of the next great porno (Although I am writing a Twilight+50 Shades……eehhhhhh fuck it, you get the idea) What I am talking about is that while we crown one Rage brother as champion of all that is holy and sacred in fantasy football we crown another as champion of all the is shameful. I want you all to think back to the recap of week 1 where I officially declared Jordan Big Rage and Josh Little Rage. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined the season would go so far to completely validate that declaration. And all that is really left to say is….. 1. I fucking told all you assholes! 2. Congrats Jordan. 3. Fuck Off Josh, have fun with these fucking recaps. But I am getting ahead of myself. I am not quite done with this god forsaken punishment yet. So lets get to the final recap.
I am going to start with blatantly stealing this gif from Schlecht because you all cant really expect me to put this much effort into finding new gifs every single week. Just like you dont expect me to find new jokes every week. Anyway, Schlecht fucked Montmich in the ass this week. (See what I did there?) No, but really, Schlecht really took it to Montmich this week. If there was one way to show Montmich that he didn’t belong anywhere near the playoffs it was giving him the biggest beatdown of the week in a Bowl game. Either way it was a fitting end to the season for both teams as Schlecht deserved some sort of hardware after winning 7 of the final 9 games and Montmich deserving a beatdown for just being shit. And losing 5 of the final 7 games. Schlecht takes home his 3 top 3 finish in 3 years and his second Chewy while Montmich takes home his 3rd top 4 finish and has finished in the top 5 every season of the EPL.
Yes, those are 2 week scores. The only real consolation I have after these 2 weeks is that Noah did almost as shittty as I did in two weeks, only averaging 71 points per week in these two weeks. But in the end it is still the Jew Fro the walks away with the Handski while I walk away with nothing but a mean case of blue balls. And the clap. And the herp. But those last 2 were already there. I swear it seems like every time I talk real shit to someone I end up losing. Does that mean my insults are gonna stop next year? Does Noah like heterosexual sex? Fuck no, is the answer to both. Week 1 you Schindler’s List Wannabe, lets dance.
Dan:111.72-Steve’s Favorite Cum Target:86.14
For those of you that dont know, thats Wayne Rooney scoring from about 50 yards out on, you guessed it, West Ham. And it really is fitting considering Dan had about the same east at putting away Steve’s Favorite Cum Target to avoid The West Ham. It was an embarrassing season for our former champion, but not nearly as embarrassing as Steve’s Favorite Cum Target. In fact I think I heard Steve’s Favorite Cum Target say he was to go into hiding after taking two too many dicks while Dan ran train on him. (Dont ever question my grammar again, you bulls-eye for a cock, you target for a chode, you omphalos for a phalus.) In the end Dan finishes at 7th for his worst finish ever but at least avoids taking home any unwanted baggage while Sko finishes in the bottom 3 for the first time.
There was something really fitting about this matchup. Whether it was the 9th and 10th place teams from the regular season, or just the general consensus that these were the worst teams, or that Josh scored his 2nd highest point total of the year and still lost, it just all seemed to fit. Josh submitted his claim for Shaft Master early and often this season but on the day when it finally came up he really did show up and give the bitch a hell of a lot more than his normal 15 second performance, but Tyler decided to have one of his on games and lasted just that much longer. Josh has been flirting with the shaft for years now and it really is quite thrilling to see their courtship blossom into the relationship we have all seen coming for some time. We can really only happen that it is a relationship that lasts for years and years and year……. and years. Like a really long fucking time.
Jordan: 105.38-Haskins: 101.50
And last but most certainly not least was the Hammer. And what a game we got. It might not have been the highest scoring performance, but a game between the #1 and #2 seeds is always a matchup, and one that ends within 5 points is always something to watch. We were guaranteed to see a 1st time champion this year, the only question was would Jordan continue his improbable run or would Haskins finally make the turn from Bridesmaid to Queen Bitch. And it was Haskins who ever remains the bridesmaid, never the bride as Jordan takes home his first ever Hammer. He broke Haskins 8 game winning steak to win his 6th straight and he showed the luck that got him the easiest schedule in league history in the final game as Haskins scored almost 20 points lower than his regular season average. But a win is a win is a Hammer win and Jordan has the Hammer all to himself and becomes the 4th man to wield the Hammer after Thor himself, Dan and Schlecht. Haskins on the other hand continues his streak of finishing in the top 4 and is 2nd for the 2nd time in the 3 years since he has been in the league.
And thats it. Season 4 of the league is in the books. Dare I say it was our best season yet. I raise a glass to all of you for a great season and am already looking forward to the shit that will come next season. I am already planning a way to make the draft board even bigger, if that is even possible. And I am also happy to pass off these recaps to the capable hands of Josh. Pig has informed me that Pigs Power Rankings will be making a full comeback next season, starting immediately after the draft. And with one final gif I bid you adieu….