Gentlemen, here we are at the precipice of history. The week this entire season has been building up to. The euphoric climax of absolute victory will await one of you, while 5 of us must now settle for whatever riches we can get our hands on. And then there are the last 4. You poor souls. Beaten and bloodied all season, 2 of you still bleeding from multiple orifices after losses last week must now try to avoid the pinnacle of embarrassment and degradation that is the Shaft of Shame. And the other two must try and pull out a 2nd consecutive victory and regain a modicum of lost respect and honor. The stakes have never been higher with the guarantee of new 1st time champion to be crowned. But we are not quite there yet, first lets recap how we got to this week.
First off lets get these pussies playing for the shaft out of the way. Coming into this week the only games Tyler had won all season were against other members of the losers bracket with 66% of those wins coming against Dan. And he got his dream matchup against Dan in the first round. But Dan was not going to allow Tyler to beat him 3 times in a year and finally showed up. Dan was also helped out by the fact that for only the 4th time this season Dan didn’t have his opponent score 110+. I think we can all agree this is poetic fucking justice for Tyler taking a playoff spot away from a deserving team last year. And probably poetic justice to allow Dan to escape the long reach of the shaft my mere inches… If only I had bought the 12 incher…
And in the other shit game we had Josh playing Steve Favorites Cum Target. And it went exactly how you think it would go. Steve’s Favorite Cum Target didnt play well but played well enough to beat out a shitty week by Josh. Josh failed to even meet his horrible 95 point per game average and could only manage 89 to take the loss and meet Tyler in the Shaft Master Classic. It really is fitting to have one of these two eunuchs take the Shaft from me, besides myself, and maybe even passing me, these two are the consistently worst teams in the league and really if we could make the Shaft a double ended lesbo pleasure machine I would say we award it to both of them and call it a day.
On to the games that actually matter! First off we will start with round 1 of Noah’s and I’s two week throwdown. And while it wasn’t the most exciting of weeks it was a damn close match up that should lead to a hell of part 2. I let Noah take a slight 8 point lead going into the finale by not being able to pick even one correct WR to play. But it really is all about letting Noah get his confidence up so I crush his spirit so thoroughly when I comeback and put a beatdown on him that he never recovers. He will be stuck in the same room for years, Jew Fro growing longer and longer and masturbating weakly as he wonders how he went from 2nd place to missing out on even the Handski in less than a month. Say your goodbyes now because we may never hear from Noah again after what I am going to do to him this week.
Then there are the final 4. The semifinals. The penultimate matchups of the year. And while one was a shitshow, the other at least lived up to its billing and gave us a second game of the year contender in as many weeks. But lets start with the shitshow first. And to nobodies surprise, it involved our least favorite greaseball. Yes Montmich snuck his way into the playoffs and now is hoping he can sneak his way out after putting up an absolutely shameful performance. Big Rage didnt even have to show up this week and he would have still skated his way into the finals because instead of going for a place in the record books with a possible first place finish he decided to go for the record books with for lowest scoring game of all time. And while he missed out on both he got a hell of a lot closer to lowest scoring game. We shouldn’t have expected much from a guy who hasn’t even averaged 100 points per game but I think we all expected more than 56 points from a team in the final four. But I guess we should have learned by now that Montmich is always going to be just below average in just about every aspect of life.
Schlecht might have taken more time to get a win this season than it takes Tyler to finish an all you can eat buffet but he has certainly picked it up in the second half of the season. And has been giving us some awesome matchups along the way. And for the second week in a row he was part of top 10 highest scoring matchup of all time with an amazing finish. But this week it was Haskins that got the monday night comeback and books his place in the finals. Schlecht may have gone out but at least he is going out in a blaze of glory, no matter how his season ends its got to look pretty damn rosy compared to what it looked like at the start of the season. Haskins on the other hand goes into the finals for the 2nd time in 3 years but is still looking to take home his first Hammer. And Schlecht meanwhile is parading about saying how he rather take home the Chewie instead of the Hammer. Its ok Mike, we know you are in denial, it was a rough way to go out. We share your pain.
And thats it, the foreplay is over and now the real action is coming. I hope you have all taken you Viagra’s and we avoid any “Montmich like” embarrassments in the final week. And I hope you all finish off your opponents with a very “Steve like” facial to, well you all know who Steve is giving a facial too.