Week 13: Felina

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Dan Weltzin. Is in the bottom 4. And plays Tyler. Regardless of how I did this week/entire season I can rest happy knowing Dan has to some how nut up and beat his kryptonite  if he wants to avoid being one game away from the dreaded Hammer to Shaft. Well the fact I finished the highest I ever have in the regular season helps. But really. Dan. In 8th place. HAHAHA. OK, Im done laughing at Dan now. Lets get to the games


Montmich:144.80- Dan:78.40


What we have here is a a picture of Montmich realizing his shit team actually beat Dan and got him into the playoffs. This was easily Montmich’s highest scoring game of the year since week one and while he may not be able to set a lineup, he can pull a Tyler and sneak his way into the playoffs. I think we all saw the picture Montmich posted from the Yahoo recap but the part of that recap that caught my attention was this…



As bad as Josh and Tyler have been all season, Montmich would be looking at last place if he had the same schedule as Dan had this season. Now that Dan is guaranteed 2 games against utterly incompetent opponents lets see if he can avoid taking home some embarrassing hardware. Sure would be a shame to ruin your nice, new marital home with a big black fat dildo. (Unless of course you are Mike Schlecht where it is his fiancee that will be providing that for their martial home to use on him.)









(Ok im really done laughing at Dan now.)




Speaking of Schlecht and black dildos, he actually locked up his place away from the shafting this week. The win itself did not mean much for Schlecht after Montmich had already laid a Thanksgiving beatdown on Dan. But it did matter higher up the table as the loss paired with Noah deciding he was already done for the regular season meant that Jordan passed Noah for 2nd place and takes the crucial first round bye. Going into this game Schlecht and I had a 75% of meeting in the first round, and that is exactly what is going to happen with Schlecht and I getting our rubber match for the season this upcoming week.  It is a classic Commissioner Vs Assistant to the Commissioner matchup and one I am relishing



As I said above, Noah falling asleep at the wheel along with Jordans win moved the superior Rage into 2nd place. But it was more than just Noah shitting the bed. It was also Rage just going ham on his worse half. In what is becoming a regular Rage Bowl occurrence Jordan just went to town on Josh and ending up beating Noah for 2nd place by 4 points scored. I dont think we have ever had meaningful playoff position come down to that small of margin. Which is good because every game this week was a beatdown. Josh actually had his 3rd best game of the season, which actually just shows how pitiful his season. He will need to pick it up 2 weeks from now when the shafting starts if he also wants to avoid that nasty thing blessing his soon to be marital home.



This matchup, much like Schlechts and Noahs did not have a ton of major implications. But it was fun to lay a stone cold smackdown on Tyler one last time before he has to go run with the rest of his type in the shafting. Similar to the game above, this was one of Tylers better games of the season, but even getting a win would not have mattered much here as there was no way he could get into a playoff spot. But with a matchup against Dan now waiting for him in 2 weeks I think Tyler is also pretty happy with how things played out this final week.


Haskins:135.58-Steves Favorite Cum Target:90.58

A rematch from Rivalry Week with Steve’s Favorite Cum Target having a chance to not only redeem himself but also get into the playoffs. A win was all Steve’s Favorite Cum Target needed to get into the playoffs. Otherwise his fate was left in the hands of others. And exactly like you expected, Steve’s Favorite Cum Target went face down, ass up and did nothing but take it. Haskins locked up his 1st place spot and goes into the playoffs with a crazy 7 game winning streak. Now he can only hope the week off for the bye wont slow his momentum down.


And now we move into first round. Most of you assholes have off this week with Schlecht and I going up against each other and Noah playing Montmich. 2 of you have a reason to be thankful, congrats to Jordan and Zach with locking up their byes. And 4 of you have an extra week to agonize over the insufferable fear and degradation that you know awaits 1 of you in 3 short weeks. Which one of you will rise and come away with just the slight scars of a 7th place finish? And which of you will show the world the depths of your worthlessness and take home the sex toy that even the most depraved of us cant get it up about. God im excited. Its the playoffs fucktards….



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