Week 11/12: Double Your Pleasure

Sorry all for the week skipped. Real life came calling and I actually had to put in a few days of actual work. But rest assured this double penetration of a recap will surely make up for the lost time. As this is both of the last 2 weeks this recap is going to be a little different. Instead of going by each matchup I am going to go by each team and chart their path for the last 2 weeks and the segue into the next team. This could be complete shit, like a normal recap. Or it could be even worse. Lets find out.

Of course the only way to start this is with myself. Because what kind of narcisstic asshole Roger Goodell wannabe Commish would I be if I didnt? So week 11 I came up against Schlecht. And all I needed was a win. Win and not matter what happened from then out and I was in. Going up against Schlecht who has finally figured his team out and had put together a 3 game winning streak going into the game. And due to some crazy, im pretty sure Republican magic, Schlecht kept his winning streak, and his playoff hopes alive, beating me without even scoring 100 points. Now I dont want to bring politics into this but there is really only one person to blame for this loss. And it sure as hell isn’t me.

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Yes, I am jumping on the bandwagon and just blaming my loss on Barry O. for not stopping Schlechts crazy right wing fantasy football magic. I mean what else besides magic could it be for Schlecht getting only 2 points with Jimmy Graham but 18 from Alfred Blue. For fucks sake, his last name is a color! How did that even happen in the first place!? Either way Schlecht took the win and got himself into playoff contention while I am still trying to find that playoff clinching win.

Week 12 had me go up against Haskins, in the late season change of matchups when I was supposed to play Steve’s Favorite Cum Target. In the end it didnt really matter which one I played because Haskins and Steves Favorite Cum Target ended scoring within 1 points of each other. This game didnt really matter for Haskins because he had already locked up at least a first round bye and all a win would do is make it more likely he takes the number 1 spot. That didnt stop him from going ham on me and putting up 150+. Haskins’ team has really put it together the 2nd half of the season and has now won 6 straight games and is 2 wins away from having the most victories in a single season. I, on the other hand, now go into week 13 still needing a win to lock up a playoff spot, but have a very good chance due to the bottom of the league just being a bunch of mental asylum rejects.

In week 12 Schlecht took that 4 game winning streak up against none other than Steve’s Favorite Cum Target and well….this happened

bus crash

Yes, Steve’s Favorite Cum Target clenched up that nasty thing that he calls a B-Hole but Steve calls his own personal flesh light and stopped that winning streak in its tracks. Schlecht actually ended up putting a good amount of points but like I said above, Steve’s Favorite Cum Target and Haskins both ended up putting 150+ up and its not real often you are gonna get a win in a situation like that. Schlecht is still looking at a playoff berth but needs a win or some help if he loses in week 13.

Now this matchup was quite important from Steve’s Favorite Cum Targets side as well. In week 11 Steve’s Favorite Cum Target took his 4th loss in a row and was suddenly on the outside looking in to the playoffs. Jordan showed Steve’s Favorite Cum Target exactly what happens when you get between a Rage and a shot at the Hammer. Jordan needed this win to lock up his playoff spot and keep his hopes alive of maybe getting a first round bye and he put up one of his best games of the year, beating Sko by 25 points. Steve’s Favorite Cum Target ended up like this kid…

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… falling flat on his face and taking a hit on that way down.  Not only could he not score even 90 points, not only did he lose by 25, not only did Steve and the entire baseball team use him for a special type of target practice, not only was it his 4th loss in a row, but he is now out of the playoffs and has to hope for 2 straight wins and some help to get back in.

And in week 12 Steve’s Favorite Cum Target got the win he needed and the help he needed to get back into that last playoff spot. Like I said above he put up 151 on Schlecht and got his win but he also got his help from Noah by beating Montmich to give both Montmich and Steve’s Favorite Cum Target records of 5-7 with Montmich having less points scored and moving into 7th place. Going into the final week Steve’s Favorite Cum Target needs to beat the man that gave him that incredible nickname. Win and he is in, loss and he is guaranteed to be out because Dan and Montmich play each other and all 3 have 5-7 records.

Now moving on to how Montmich go to this 5-7 record. And this is really the easiest recap of the bunch. Montmich all you gotta do is say 2 words. 2 simple, little, words.

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Losing 6 of 8 games and 4 straight does not mean Thor hates you. It means your terrible. It means your team is terrible. It means you are right where you belong with Tyler and the other handicapped players in our league, fighting to figure out which one of you useless sacks of shit are gonna but stuffing yourself with more than just turkey next Thanksgiving. For fucks sake in week 11 you even lost to Josh. Josh, the guy who has scored above 100 points exactly twice this year. And your loss to him wasn’t even one of those games! He barely even broke 90 and you still couldn’t beat him!

But thats alright, because after putting up only an 82 things could only get better in week 12 right? That must have been what you were telling yourself. I mean you did only lose by 9 to Josh, not a huge amount to lose by. Well then Noah came skipping along, like the pedo-homo that he is (because only pedo-homos skip around all day every day like Noah), and beat you by 43 points. You barely managed to break 70 and the third time this season you failed to score at least 76 points. For a little perspective, all the other teams in the league COMBINED have scored less than 76 points 4 times the whole year. 9 teams have done it 4 times, 1 team has done it 3 times. You are here begging for sympath “Ohh poor me, Thor must hate me, he never wants me to win again.” Even Jose Mourihno doesnt belive that shit.

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A mentioned Jordan’s week 11 win over Montmich locked up his playoff spot and he came into week 12 trying to keep up with Noah and have a shot at that first round bye. That was always gonna be an uphill battle with Noah basically getting a bye against Montmich in week 12 but Jordan came out swinging nonetheless and had his absolute best week of the season. Scoring 140+ for the first time all year and beating Tyler. Unfortunately that game didn’t mean much because Tyler was already locked in the Shaft Master Classic and with Noah’s win its going to be next to impossible for Jordan to get that first round bye, but it was fun to see Tyler get the shit kicked out of him again.

Speaking of Tyler and Noah those two meet each other in week 11 and well it went exactly how you thought it would. Once again the game didn’t mean much but it sure was fun to watch Tyler get the shit kicked out of him. In all honesty Tyler did have a respectuable game scoring 105 but Noah kept on rolling and put up 118 to take the win and with his week 12 beatdown all but lock up at least the number 2 seed.

The same reason Jordan doesnt stand much of a chance at taking number 2 is reason Noah doesnt stand much of a chance at taking number 1 and thats because the person above him wont stop winning. We already talked about Haskins week 12 win but that 5th win in a row came in week 11 when he put up a 20 point win on Dan and put a big road block in Dan’s way of having a shot at defending his championship.

Dan came into week 12 NEEDING a win. The only way he was going to stand any chance at getting into the playoffs was winning out his remaining games. He won the first one in week 12 in a 9 point victory over Josh. Normally beating Josh by 8 is the absolute last thing in the world to celebrate about. Well 2nd to last, going home with Steve’s Favorite Cum Target is probably the last thing in the world to celebrate. Unless you celebrate having the bad kind of AIDS. In which case you have a lot to celebrate. But that is neither here nor there. Beating Josh you also dont celebrate about. Unless your Dan and teams are scoring on average 122 points against you this year. Then I imagine your celebration when you saw Josh only scored 90 points to be similar to this…

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… Except more feminine even.

And thats all folks. All 10 games and all 10 teams mentioned in some way for the past 2 weeks. This turned into more a of shit show then even I thought it was going to be. Butt Fuck It (See what I did there. $20 bucks says Steve’s Favorite Cum Target figures that one out right away.) I hope you all enjoyed this train wreck of a recap. I have a little something extra planned for the playoff weeks to make up for this shit show. Well all know Tyler doesnt give 2 shits about this recap, he is 2 days away from eating enough food to feed China. All of China. We should all make sure we are no where near Tyler on Thanksgiving. He is like a blackhole, just starting absorbing everything around him until there is nothing left but the his soft, faint cry’s knowing all that food will never make him feel full. But be sure to be setting your lineups before you gorge yourselves, Thanksgiving games means week 12, which means the regular season finale. There are a lot of different ways that a couple of different teams can get in or out of the playoffs and I honestly dont give two fucks about them so all I have left to say about the regular season is this…

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