First off, if I forget to move Rivalry week away from week 10 next year you all have permission to punch me in the taint. So damn fucking byes. But second, what a fucking excellent rivalry week. Even losing I enjoyed this week immensely. Watching Montmich get his shit rocked by Schlecht again, watching Dan sweat it out until the very end, and lets be honest, we all enjoy watching Josh take his weekly ass raping. Its like Sko’s weekly ass rapings from Steve except with less cum and more tears. And with 3 games left we finally have a definitve picture of the playoffs starting to happen. Congrats to Zach Haskins, on his beatdown of Sko (please be sure to tell me what to refer to the inferior Zach as from now on) but on also being the first to clinch a playoff spot. Amazingly enough Josh is not quite mathematically eliminated from the playoffs quite yet, but one more loss or wins by Montmich and Schlecht mean he is destined for the bottom 4. But before we start looking at the playoffs lets get to this weeks games!
Schlecht: 149.14 – Montmich: 104.28
I tried to give Montmich a chance to reclaim his manhood. A chance to standup for himself, beat his scrawny little chest full of stringy, greasy chest pubes and proclaim that he is here to fight for a playoff spot. And he shit the bed. Schlecht gave him the biggest beating of the week. And then Montmich tried to play it off like he didn’t care because he cared more about the NCAA deciding to let Whitewater into the tourney as long as Montmich promised to be in Qatar during the games. Or once again something like that. It really is amazing how much these two teams bore me. But maybe we should start paying attention to Schlecht as he has now won 3 games in a row and would make the playoffs if the season ended today. Inconceivable. Montmich, on the other hand, has now lost 3 of his last 4 and is sliding very close to a berth in the Shafting. I sense a big black dick in your future Montmich, and its not just the one in the locker rooms after games.
Dan: 115.76 – Tyler: 113.74
Dan picks up the biggest win of his season by narrowly sneaking by Tyler in their third meeting of the year. These two have had quite the trilogy this season, with Tyler going ham on Dan twice and now Dan just sneaking by only because the Packers pulled A-Rodg in the 2nd half. Thor was clearly looking out for Dan because for once the Packers were so good it actually helped Dan rather than beating him into a little pulp like Tyler and his Packer led team normally do. But it cant feel like a real win to Dan knowing that it really was a fluke that Rodgers came out. I think a 4th game really is in order to prove what team really is better this year. Alas we have to hope for a playoff matchup. Ohh wait, it involves Tyler? Then we have to hope for a matchup in the shafting. Because there is no way Tyler is getting close to playoffs this season. As it stands both of these teams would be in the shafting and would play each other in the first round…. Dear Thor please let that matchup happen. There is nothing better than watching two fruitadas go at each other acting like they have something worthwhile to play for.
Noah: 92.14 – Connor: 79.52
I cant say it doesnt hurt losing to a man whose pubic hair makes Carrot Tops head normal but after Carrots dear Ginger cousin Andy Dalton put up the worst statistical game in the last 25 years I kinda accepted that I really had no chance. I will take my loss like a man and accept that Noah had the better team this week but I know that curly haired fuck is scared shitless of facing me in the playoffs. As he should be. You all saw what AP can do the small children that dont shut the fuck up, what I do to little jew fro bitches that dont shut up is even worse and I have AP on my team again. Also, lets talk about that. How the fuck did ALL (besides Haskins) of you assholes let AP come to me with the 2nd to last priority on the waiver wire? “Stash a top 5 RB for a couple weeks and get him for the playoffs? Nah, fuck it. Id rather just sit here and jerk it to my mediocre roster. It feels so much more natural when my fantasy team is as mediocre as my real life is.” Is that the conversation you all had with yourselves? For fucks sake, Sko and Montmich still have Carlos Hyde and Reggie Bush on their rosters. But you guys are right, those two are probably a lot better than a member of the 2000 yard club. Rant over. Anyway, Noah won this machup and him and I swap places in 2nd and 3rd and you better hope you stay far away from me in the playoffs Noah, because your little Jew Fro is all mine. Like my idols, Babe Ruth, Ray Rice and AP im calling my shot and telling you its gonna be me that knocks you out of the playoffs.
Haskins: 126.02 – Sko: 103.00
One Zach just keeps locking up his spot at the top of the league and the other one just keeps falling lower and lower. Haskins wins 4th straight and his 8th in the last 9 games while Sko loses his 3rd straight and falls out of the playoff picture. Haskins has now locked himself into the playoffs and is one win or a loss by Jordan and I away from locking up a first round bye. Sko now has to make up a game to get back into the playoffs. Sko has been all over the league this year but seems to be stuck in this rut that is bringing him very close to a brush with the Shaft of Shame. Im honestly running out of Steve/Sko sexual punishment jokes because its hard to find one severe enough to describe the type of beatings Sko is taking. To put it into perspective, this 23 point loss was Sko’s 3rd closest loss of the year. Haskins could have sat Drew Brees and Sko STILL would have lost. And thats one of Skos’ better loses. Even Steve has troubles treating Sko with such degradation. But he soldiers on and continues to let loose a stream of seman into every orifice Sko has. And Sko just lays there and takes it. Just like he does here.
Big Rage: 115.58 – Little Rage: 94.94
If there ever was a truly definitive game to show which Rage was worthy of the Big moniker, this was it. Jordan came into this game having lost 3 in a row and Josh needed this win to salvage any chance at a playoff run. And yet it was Jordan that showed up, scoring 10 more points that he averages per game while Josh even undershot his horrible 95 points per game average. Like our great leader Mighty Thor, Jordan proved himself worthy of being Big Rage, at least until next year when Josh will get his chance at revenge and vindication because it looks like Jordan is all put locked up for a playoff spot and Josh is the leading candidate for the Shafting.
And that folks is all she wrote on Rivalry Week. We go into the final 3 weeks of the year with a slightly changed schedule due to a good contribution by Dan to make sure everyone plays everyone at least once. (Except Josh vs Noah. But lets give Josh a little bit of a break) and to make sure we keep some of the better games of the year on tap. So be sure to check your schedules because you may be playing someone other than who you expected. We are quickly getting to the point of the season where just wins wont get you back into the playoff picture if you are on the outside looking in. You are gonna need some help. And if you are already in the top 6, win and you’re in. I cant wait to see how it all shakes out as long as you bastards keep your hands off of Noah’s sweet locks of hair. That thing is mine. And I am gonna ravage it. Good luck to the rest of you.