This is what happens when you question me Tyler. Thor does not like when you question his Chosen One. And Thor gives no fucks about how many points you score, nor what my schedule looks like. He cares only for winners and losers and you have been judged and you have been found wanting. So go back to that shithole of a home in that shithole of a city you now call home, and go back to teaching your students how to be losers, just like you are. Do you think your students go home at night and say to their parents “Mommy, Daddy, the fat man that ate my gym teacher just wont go away and he keeps coming into the boys locker room while we change. He just walks around with a grin on his face and whispering to himself. Do I have to go to gym class anymore?” Call me crazy but I dont think thats too far from the truth.
So I realize this recap started off a little bit personal. But when you question my integrity, well now you are just questioning what makes me a man. And that shit just doesnt fly since I lost that teste in ‘Nam. (crazy weekend btw) But dont worry, ill get to insulting the rest of you late term abortions very quickly. And I have such good ammo to insult you all with this week. Schlecht used every ounce of sperm he had saved up when he creamed his jeans after his first win. Dan, our reigning champ actually lost to that joke of a team that Michael puts out AND did it on his birthday. Josh remains without a win and MontMich slinks his way into another greaseball win. Haskins gave Sko a bigger dickslap than Steve ever does. And Noah took it just as hard, all while watching his beloved Pats take an even bigger shit in prime time on Monday night.
But before all of that I want to clear the air. The schedule this season IS a mix of randomization and my own changes. But the changes I made were done to assure no teams played each other 3 times and to avoid rematches that are close to each other. And all of my changes were done in a matrix where each team was known as “Team A” A” “Team B” ect. If your schedule is easy or difficult was completely up in the air. Some teams do have easier schedules, some teams do have harder schedules. This is how scheduling a league works. A shown by Tylers and I’s game this week as well as Montmich vs Josh, scheduling does not matter nearly as much as your own team. Sometimes you can score 96 and get an easy win. Other times 122 isnt even enough. Such is life. But enough of this bullshit. Lets get back to the good shit. Which is ridiculous insults and awesome gifs. Which I happen to have one of each.
While Dan spent all day and all night Sunday puking the beer, booze, coke, meth, X and hooker blood out of his body from his birthday weekend, Schlecht spent it biding his time, slowly taking the lead and eventually dancing his way to his first victory of the season. Yes it was quite the embarrassing weekend for our current champion. While he did manage a solid 102 points it is always embarrassing to lose the week on your opponents very last players of the week and even more embarrassing when that lose drops you to .500. Schlecht moves out of last place and is still only one game away from getting into a playoff spot. Enjoy it while it lasts Mike. Your team is still dog shit “underperforming” or not. You know the saying, you cant teach a dead dog how to stop decomposing into the pile of waste that it is. Or something like that. But for now you still have this week to cherish.
Final Score: 111.88-102.42 Winner: Mike
As I mentioned before, fantasy football again showed what a cruel bitch it can in my matchup against Tyler. Tyler managed to score a very strong 122 points and still took the loss. This is just the final retribution from Thor for winning so many games last season while scoring under 100 points. Tyler drops to 1-3 and sits in 7th place, one place out of the playoffs. Amazingly enough Tyler actually has to 2nd most points scored in the league, just ahead of Haskins and behind me and yet still would not make the playoffs. And Tyler has gotta start hoping this really is that last of Thors retribution, or if he sold his soul away last season and is going to be damned for it this year. He has also gotta start hoping that if that is the case the maybe Thor would take some Hostess bars or some Little Debbies in place of his soul, because Tyler has a shit ton of both of those.
Final Score: 146.82-122.82 Winner: Connor
I can only imagine Josh’s pain after this weekends games. He must have thought he had such a good chance when he saw how MontMich’s team was being so medicore. But alas, medicore seems to be good enough to beat Josh this year. Well every year really. Montmich got some serious help from his QB as Stafford scored more than 30% of his points. But it didnt really matter as Josh had everyone but 1 player underperform. And the only reason Ahmad Bradshaw scored more than projected was because of a garbage time TD. Schlects comeplete debacle of a start to a season may have left us distracted to how poorly Josh really could finish this year, as he easily has the fewest points scored, losing out to Schlecht by 20 points. Yet Yahoo still has him projected to win 5 games and sneak into the playoffs. Bold strategy Yahoo. Lets see how it works out for him.
Final Score: 96.14 – 64.28 Winner: Montayne
Is it just me or does Haskins seem to have quite the reputation from this year and last of just completely annihilating teams when he wins? Exactly like the man above it seems he gives no fucks, and does what he wants when he wants when he decides its time to win. And it happened again this week when he just went to town on Sko and his already shredded poop-chute. Haskins put up the most points of anyone this week and takes over 2nd place in the league. The second week in a row Sko has just gotten shit on all over, and its the second week of fantasy he has by a lot. (BA DUM TSS!) But really, Steve really enjoys pooping all over Sko. Like everywhere. Its a mix of marking his territory and degrading Sko at the same time. Pretty smart guy Steve is. A complete fucking whacko, but a smart guy nonetheless.
Final Score 151.08 – 91.26 Winner: Haskins
Poor Tom. Poor Noah. What a pair of pathetic examples of friendless, weird, creepy white boys. You two are the reason white people have no street cred. Well and the fact that Noah only managed 82 points and Brady only got him 2 of those points. It was a sad week for the Jew-Fro as he racked up points slower than Tom Brady running his 40 yard dash.
Is he wearing khaki shorts for that? With a tucked in t-shirt? And tennis shoes? He might be the biggest excuse of an athlete I have ever seen. He looks like a camp counselor. You know, one of those camp counselors that always has a lot of extra advice for the female campers. Except a creep, pedo, camp counselor could still run a faster 40. Anyway, Jordan put this game way out of reach even before Monday night but a big Monday from Jamaal Charles just made this an even bigger beatdown and left Bularz and Tom wondering what the fuck just happened and if either of them are really the top team everyone thought they could be, much less if either team could even make the playoffs. Right now Noah is holding on to that final playoff spot but if any of the bottom 4 teams get their heads out of their asses it could get interesting. Until then Noah and Tom can keep being butthurt little girls and swearing on the sidelines.
Final Score 82.46 – 133.18 Winner: Jordan
And thats it for week 4. 9 gifs you greedy sons of bitches got this week. Remember when these recaps were just a paragraph, or god forbid anyone remembers Sko’s complete butchering of a video recap. We have come a long way. Im gonna use this last little bit to give a shout of to Schlecht for helping put up this website for the league and to Dan for giving us some amazing stat packs about the last week and about the upcoming games. And a shoutout to the rest of you for keeping this league going and really making it the best part of all of our miserable weeks.