I am the King and long shall I reign! For the first time in recorded history I stand alone atop the table. I have heard every conceivable insult and piece of trash talk from you effeminate excuses of men. And now this is all I have left to say.
FUCK YOU ALL!
COME TAKE FIRST PLACE FROM THE CLUTCHES OF MY COLD DEAD COCK!
God that felt good to get off my chest. People say some things are better left unsaid, to those people I say “You have clearly never been in first place in your fantasy you fucking loser.” In this league nothing is better left unsaid, and normal rules go out the window. This is the only place on Earth that can sometimes get Dan Weltzin upset, much less even swear, the only place on Earth Tyler doesnt feel like a complete waste of human life, the only place on Earth where Noahs jew-fro is tolerated. And I wouldnt have it any other way. Now lets get to the games because we had an interesting week on our hands.
The only way to start this week is to talk about the amazing game between Tyler and Jordan. It was easily the best game of the season and will go down as one of the best of all time, and one of the closest games of all time. It truly came down to the final possession. Both teams need big performances from their Monday night players, Jordan with Alshon Jeffrey and Tyler with Chris Ivory and Martellus Bennett and damn did they all deliver. All 3 players scored above projections and it became which one of these 3 would keep racking points that we werent expecting. Tyler came into Monday needing to make a comeback, and comeback he did. The lead changed hands several times during monday night but in the end Jordan came out winning by the smallest of pubic hairs on his creepily shaved bikini area. .66 Thats all that separated there two. Less than a point. But Jordan comes away with the win
Final Score: 94.84 – 94.18 – Winner: Jordan
Loss number three has left Schlecht falling deeper and deeper into this depression. The name change could do nothing to help his quickly failing team from not only losing another game but also becoming the lowest scoring team in the league. Haskins did not have much of a challenge ahead of him as he only needed to score 80 points to get the win, yet he decided to just it even worse for Mike and put up his highest point total of the year and get his team back on track. Schlecht meanwhile was thankful that he saw Little Rage lose a close game to Dan as at least he still has some company at the bottom of the table. I’m sure most of you have seen that Mike’s new strategy is to put his entire team up for sale because of “underachieving” But really, when they have never achieved anything is this really now underachieving, or was it just poor drafting in the first place that brought together that may be the worst our league has seen. We all remember Tyler’s draft from last season right? Mike’s team has started even worse than that train wreck.
Final Score 123.10 – 79.82 – Winner: Haskins
As I mentioned we had a close game between Josh and Dan and a game that really showed how much of a bitch fantasy football can be, for both sides. Dan started the week thinking he was already made with the Falcons putting a massive beatdown on the Bucs but then Atlanta decided to pull Matty Ice in the third quarter and Dan saw points flying right out the window. and straight Julio Jones racking up points for Josh. Being the toddler that he is Dan decided to throw a little tantrum on the FB page hoping to get sympathy. Little does he know that there is no sympathy to be had in this league among all of us sociopaths. But fantasy karma turned Dans way as Josh had 6 of his players score in the single digits and way under projections. And it just goes to show how big league matchups matter as Josh put up his highest point total of the year and would have beaten 5 other teams this week but go the wrong matchup and drops to 0-3. But there is already a 30 point gap between points scored for our dear fruitadas in last place with Josh averaging 10 more points a game than Schlecht, so its only a matter of time before Schlecht is left to wallow in the dildo filled purgatory that is last place, all by himself.
(This was the best non-pornographic facial gif I could find.)
The Famous Cock Blasts Zoltan Da Munificent. This is literally the best headline Yahoo has ever created, new article or otherwise. And it could not be more true. Not only did I move into first place, not only did I score the most points of anyone this week, I also had the biggest blowout, winning by 49 points. I could hear Sko’s ballgagged muffled screams from Wausau as Steve punished him for letting this happen. Even the lose of Dennis Pitta could not slow my team down as we went to town on a completely no responsive Sko, which is actually a sex dream I have had in the past. In the end the only reason this game mattered was to officially move me into the top spot.
Final Score 129.22 – 80.02 – Winner: Connor
The final game of the week was the odd game of Bularz Vs Montmich because both teams have been all over the place this year. Last week Montmich won with barely more points than he lost with this week and Bularz would have won even if he had scored less points that he lost with last week. Montmich has scored sirius-ly (see what I did there Montmich? Been waiting for that one for a while.) low points for the second week in a row but still stays ahead of Bularz in the standings because of points scored from his crazy week 1. But both teams sit at 2-1, which is crazily enough still within one game of going into the losers bracket AND within one game of first place.
Final Score: 107.56 – 69.88 Winner: Noah
We were hoping this week would give us some more seperation between teams but we still have half the league tied at 2-1 but at the very least we do have the Shafting starting to take shape with 4 teams all by themselves at the bottom giving us some early season favorites to take a pounding come end of the year. I got $20 bucks on Schlecht taking this dildo off my desk, any takers? We now move into the start of bye week territory. The time where even the best of drafts go to shit and the best laid plans mean nothing when that dirty bitch of waiver wire priority come into play. The best of luck to all of you unless you are going after a player I want. And in that case I hope that the computer virus I know you all have from the kinky porn you all (midget bestiality, Noah? Really? Sick Fuck.) watch comes up and makes you stare at dicks until I get my players.