Week 1 – #Kalene

Welcome back dickfaces.

human garbage

I cant say its a pleasure to be back, or that I am excited to pouring my literary talent into these recaps when you inbred assholes can barely read, but here we are anyway. Before we get to the games I understand there are some congraultions that need to be given out. 1. To Mr. Super Club himself….Congrats on the Hammer, enjoy your year with it though, because now the clock is ticking, every week is one less week before one of us rips that beautiful bitch out of your filthy human/ape hybrid hands. 2. To Mr. Not Greasebag Mike, Mike Schlecht. Congrats on FINALLY getting over Sko and his infidelity with Steve. I know we have all been waiting for this day to come. And lastly to Mr. Little Rage, Josh Rageth (Yes, Josh is Little Rage, we go by penis size when ranking the Rage Bros.) Congrats on actually doing something useful with your life (teaching doesnt count, not when they are 2nd grade Mexi-Cants anyway, unless you are teaching them how to mow a lawn or wash dishes.) But Congrats on learning some sort of self-defense, a green belt now in BJ’s right? Or did I read that wrong? Is it BJJ? Either way the other guys dick is pretty close to your mouth. Ohh and 4. Congrats to the above assholes on either marrying or becoming engaged since last season, well done on your conning of your significant others to think any of you are worthy of supporting someone else. Well that seems like enough foreplay, lets get right into the full penetration that was this weeks games.

club bitch

I’m not sure if there is a better image to describe what MontMich would have done to ANYONE this week, much less to poor, defenseless, Tyler. You know that brain of his doesn’t work properly all the time! And it might not have been the biggest point total of all time, or the biggest beatdown of all time, it was quite close to both and it was certainty an ex termly impressive performance. Tyler on the other hand…. Ohh Tyler. Tyler had so much hope at the end of last season. He rode a massive fluke train the second half of the season and feel ass backwards into the deep end of the pool that is the playoffs. He then, like all handicapped small children, pissed in pool, but the fact remains that he got into the playoffs. But then he regressed. He went back to the Tyler we all know and love. The Tyler that celebrates with an extra cookie when his team puts up 10 points. So good job this week Tyler with your 8.5 cookies! Unfortunately that means you still only put up 85 points and got beat by more points that you scored. Welcome back to the shallow end that is the Shafting.

Lets go from one massive beatdown to a not quite so massive beatdown. Our reigning Champ came out and put on a magisterial 140 point performance. Dan got 15+ point games from 4 of his players, including 3 of those who went for 20 or more, 2 who had 25 more or and the last one being Matty Ice putting up 44. As Haskins so eloquently put it. “Matt Ryan can go fuck himself.” Haskins didnt put up much of a fight but still hauled in a kinda decent 92 points.  But if he wants to be motorboatin’ Thors big ole man titties at the end of the year 92 points a game is not gonna get it done.

Next we will move on to a game that I thought looked closed until I actually looked at what was happening. Ill be honest, I was too busy to watch ANY of the games in depth this week. So the best I could really do was grab a glance at a tv or check the scores on my phone. So I saw Noah and Sko having a very close game from Thursday until Sunday night. I mean they were within 10 points of each other almost the whole time. But then I actually looked at the breakdown and saw that Noah had 3 players going Sunday night. It might have been heartbreaking for Sko when Steve finally pulled out of him and explained this to him in their post-coital cuddling.  Noah ended up scoring a very solid 109 while Sko shit himself and got to only 91 points. On the plus side, Steve sent me a picture of Sko from early this morning of the damage from last night


(This was actually more fitting than you would think for Sko because Jordan Reed, his starting TE got only .40 points)

We actually had another beatdown of a matchup but I dont really wanna talk about it considering it was a beatdown just because of how badly one team did. Jordan had a resepectbale 97 point performance, normally a high 90 or low 100 will put you in the running for a win or at least a solid defeat. But this week it got him a 32 point win because Schlecht could not put together anything close to a coherent lineup. In fact, this is kinda how I imagined his team all weekend.  Just never able to get off the ground and face planting at every try.


In fact, he had every player but 1 score under their projected amounts. Just a rough day all around. Jordan will gladly pocket the win because he had 6 of his players go under their projected amounts. But a win is a win and Jordan goes to the right side of the league table.

And lastly we have the only game that was actually close this week. Myself vs Josh. A game that came down to Sunday night. And I would have payed ANY amount of money to see Josh’s face when he realized he had to hope for a game winning performance from Extra Chromosome Eli. And once again that extra chromosome did not come with extra touchdowns. A 94 points performance as a team, with only 6.5 of those coming from his QB meant Josh took his first loss of the year to the Land of Ever Changing Names that is my team. Along with Eli’s chromosomal disorder, a breakout game for Le’Veon Bell scoring 26 points really made the difference in this one and lead the way for a 12 point win.

And thats all she wrote for this week. Week One is the in the books. Will any of these wins mean anything come playoff time? Will Schlecht ever again be the player he was when he won the Hammer?  Will Dan and Montmich run train on us all year? Will Steve run train on Sko all year? (Well that one is easy.) All these answers and more next week in the EPL!


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