Week 5 – And Then There Were None

There goes the last undefeated team. Just as quickly as it looked like my team was becoming an unbeatable leviathan it all came crashing down and brought it back down to Earth. And it was Noah that brought it all down. Mother fucking Noah. Granted there are literally none of you bastards that im ok losing too. You are all Special Ed’s in your own ways. But Noah is very much on the high end of people I fucking hate losing to. I dont know if its the mix of general happy go lucky bullshit that is the antithesis of my cynicism, if its the god damn jew fro that really makes me question his real motives in this league, or if I just hate the Patriots that fucking much, but losing to Noah enrages me more than Tyler being told Golden Corral has no more food left after his 15th buffet plate. But I digress. And now the season gets interesting people. We have rivalry week in our sights, just a month away, and these next weeks leading up to it are going to go a long way towards deciding who is a real player this season and which of you sit down when you piss. Because your pussys.












And here we have an image of Tylers last two weeks. Just pushed right on by last week and straight into the ass-end of the league this week. This was his lowest scoring week of the season and a loss that drops him into 8th place all on his own. Must be an even harder tough lose to swallow knowing that with even a decent showing he could have beaten Zach who only put up 92. This actually was a super interesting result because Zach won by almost the exact amount of points scored that now seperate Zach and Tyler. Which basically mean this game is the only thing that seperated the two teams this season. That, and points against. Tyler has the second most points scored against with 609. And that points against is why Tyler is 1-4 and Zach is 4-1.




Schlecht is once again dancing this week, whether it was because of his win or because of his 2 beer drunkenness from his sisters wedding we dont know. What we do know is that his postings when he is drunk literally no one else found funny and his lineup when drunk was one of the better lineups of the week. Josh continues to struggle to put up even medicore point totals and Schlecht took advantage of it and got his second win of the year. We all know of Josh’s continued struggles in the bedroom, with the erectile dysfunction and all, but he cant even get it up for his fantasy team this near. Last year for Halloween Jordan went as Tobias Funke and Josh as G.O.B. yet once again it seems the brothers should be switched as its Josh that has ended up sobbing in the shower wearing jean shorts.












To continue with my Arrested Development metaphor, as I said Jordan is like GOB and he truly has been a magician this year as it seems every team he plays comes up sucking dick. The least amount of points scored in 5 weeks in the history of the league. Somehow this has only translated into 4 wins but it still has been a great start for 2nd Rage brother. This week may not have been too much of an illusion because after week 1 Montmich has yet to put up more than 96 points and just goes so show how that first week nothing more than smoke and mirrors and the worlds best dick pump to make himself seem larger than we all know that little Italian donger really is. Jordan comes into week 6 tied for the lead with Haskins and I and what should be an excellent matchup for first place. Last season Jordan and I fought it out just to NOT play for the Shaft, now we are playing to take over first place. Its been an odd season.

indy shooting

None of you can understand my frustration about having to waste an excellent Indy gif on fucking Noah but ill be damned if this one was not perfect for this week. I came into this week all bluster and waving swords about (which apparently is frowned upon when starting a new job. What else am I supposed to do with my swords except show them off at work?) And Noah came in beat down and limping after taking it hard last week from Big Rage. Yet he shot me down just like Indy there, like it wasn’t even a problem.  And then when I had one last shot on Monday night Percy Harvin gets 3! touchdowns called back. It just was not meant to be this week. And just like that everyone has suffered the heartache of defeat this season.

Dan played Sko. Sko won by a lot. No one really cared. Insert Steve/Sko anal joke. Fiddle yourselves while you laugh.


Normally in the end here I seque into next week but Dan Weltzins amazing Stat Packs have done a better job of that than I could ever hope to do. I mostly just make dick jokes. I also do most, ok all, of these recaps half in the bag, so give me some slack. So once again a huge thanks to Dan for the stats, they have quickly become a staple of the league and just another fucking awesome part of our weeks.



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